"Sooner or later we will come to the edge
of all that we can control
and find life, waiting there for us."
~ Rachel Naomi Remen, M.D.
of all that we can control
and find life, waiting there for us."
~ Rachel Naomi Remen, M.D.
This quote is featured in our Quote Zone, and I love it. It's from Dr. Remen's book My Grandfather's Blessings, which I discovered several years ago while on a personal odyssey (as it turned out) visiting a friend in New Mexico.
It had quite an impact on me. I come from a long line of detail-oriented women who (attempt to) leave very little to chance. When my kids were small, my need for control — and it approached obsessive-compulsive levels in those sleep-deprived days — caused a lot of pain in this house.
It's hard for me to look back at that time objectively. Frank and I have always encouraged exploration and individuality to some degree, and we did a lot that can be classified as attachment parenting (nursing on demand, letting the girls self-wean, holding them whenever they wanted, cosleeping in one big family bed). I look at photographs and home movies from the girls' childhood, and they were undoubtedly happy kids who knew they were loved and cared for.
But.
I remember times that don't show up in those images, times when I screamed and they cried, when I lost my temper and did regrettable things ranging from throwing things at walls to tearing up the girls' new coloring books to spanking them. And I remember 2-year-old Chloe hiding under the diningroom table one afternoon while MJ and I engaged in our latest battle of wills.
I knew that couldn't continue. And since I had gone so far to the punitive side, I knew more of the same or a harsher version of the same was not the answer. I discovered Positive Discipline by Jane Nelsen and began to relinquish control in small ways, letting the girls choose between the red shirt or the blue shirt, and letting them experience a few essentially harmless natural consequences instead of trying to prevent every negative thing. I began, for the first time, to put myself in my kids' shoes and see what the world looked like from down there.
My motives in this were still rooted in control to a certain extent: punitive discipline wasn't producing the behavior I wanted, but maybe positive discipline would. I'm being a bit overly harsh with myself there, because of course it broke my heart and filled me with guilt when I hurt my kids, and I genuinely wanted better for all of us. But a zebra doesn't shed her stripes quite that quickly, and I know that when I offered the red shirt or the blue shirt, what I really wanted was a kid who was wearing a damned shirt.
But it was a start. I had gained awareness of my own intense need for control and begun to explore the reasons for it. And I discovered that letting go of some control didn't kill me or anyone else. In fact, life improved by leaps and bounds, and, gradually, when I offered the red shirt or the blue shirt, it was because I wanted my child to have choices.
I also discovered that my kids did not have unreasonable wishes and needs. When I stepped into their shoes, I found that the things they wanted were good, healthy, and easy to provide. Imagine that! So I let go a little more. And every time I did, I was richly rewarded (positive reinforcement), and the process fed itself.
I think my enthusiasm for acceptance is another step in this journey, so I'll close with a quote from Dr. Remen about that.
"The greatest blessing we offer others may be
the belief we have in their struggle for freedom,
the courage to support and accompany them
as they determine for themselves the strength
that will become their refuge and the foundation of their lives."
the belief we have in their struggle for freedom,
the courage to support and accompany them
as they determine for themselves the strength
that will become their refuge and the foundation of their lives."
